Why is Grief so Hard?
If we were asked to name one or two of the most difficult experiences we have ever had in life, many of us would name a time when we experienced a personal loss, or death of a loved one. Such experiences often seem to overshadow all else in terms of levels of emotional pain.

What makes the death of a loved one so difficult? The multifaceted and multilayered nature of grief is what makes it so difficult. Grief affects us psychologically, physically, behaviorally, and spiritually, and often the symptoms hit us all at once.

Psychological Responses
The mental and emotional responses that grief elicits are numerous; feelings of sadness, anger, regret, remorse, loneliness, abandonment, relief, ambivalence, fear of going crazy, impatience, anxiety, and panic are all normal feelings during grief. Also, many people experience periods of confusion, disorganization, distractibility, impaired concentration, disbelief, and preoccupation with the deceased. Many of these feelings seem to arise simultaneously and can be overwhelming for those who are grieving.

Physical Responses
In addition to all the difficult psychological responses, physical responses arise or are exacerbated during grief. It is normal to experience physical exhaustion, aches and muscle pains, sleep disturbances, heart palpitations, headaches, nausea, trembling, appetite disturbance, shortness of breath, numbness, dizziness, and other symptoms not normally attributed to grief. Doctor’s visits, diagnostic testing and trips to the ER often increase during times of bereavement.

Behavioral Responses
For some grievers, a change in their normal patterns of behavior is more obvious to those who are around them, than to themselves. Grief moves us to do things differently; perhaps we now move more slowly, or maybe we now function with more agitation. A common behavior is crying and tearfulness throughout the day, restlessness or hyperactivity, decreased interest and motivation, and social withdrawal. The loss of a loved one may cause us to avoid any reminder of the person, or conversely may cause us to constantly search for our loved one. Also, our patterns of social interaction may change; we may cease to be with certain people that we had regularly enjoyed, and now join with others who are more understanding of our grief. Some grievers try to medicate their pain with alcohol, drugs, or food, or may engage in excessive behaviors such as shopping, gambling, working, risky activities or dangerous sports.

Spiritual Responses
Death presents us with the reality that physical life ends and that life changes. As humans, the experience of losing someone throws us into asking the deeper questions of, “What does life and death mean? Is there an after-life? What is the meaning of suffering?” The absence of our loved one creates a void that yearns to be filled and we sometimes look towards religion, God, or a belief system to fill that void. We also might angrily turn away from a belief system, thinking God took our loved one from us.

Given the fact that these four categories of responses come upon us all at once, it is no wonder that grief is such an intense and overwhelming experience. It often takes months to arrive at the place where we feel grounded again, and we can go on with living. Grief is the work of adjusting to a life without our loved one physically present. Life cannot go back to the way it was because it has changed dramatically, however it can eventually be re-created into a new chapter of our own life.

Spiritual Support
We encourage our patients to maintain whatever gives their life meaning, including their relationships and speaking with their spiritual advisors, pastors, priests or clergy.

If you would like to speak with someone for spiritual support we have our chaplain available who will be happy to speak with you or your family members or can facilitate contacting your clergy.

Hospice and Spiritual Care
During times of upheaval and change in life, we all may experience deep doubt and questioning. We may feel uprooted, set adrift, or utterly alone. We might respond with deep sadness, silence, or with actions to prove to ourselves that we are still in control. Beliefs that once made sense may no longer seem valid.

During a time of pending loss, you may be asking, “Why me?” or “Why do good people suffer so much?” or “What will I leave behind as a memory of myself?”

Orleans Essex VNA & Hospice provides a variety of programs for Spiritual Care, which can include the following:

• Person-to-person support: a personal visit may be requested from our Spiritual Care Team. We are available for personal contact, counseling, companionship, or conversation.
• Family concerns: relationships sometimes become strained in stressful life situations. We will work in a sensitive and caring manner with each person and each situation.
• Direct cooperation with local clergy: our Spiritual Care programs are not intended to replace your relationship with your local community of faith.
• Educational support groups: we provide a safe and supportive place for people to explore questions of meaning and purpose with each other, to learn from each other about ways to cope and heal, to learn various “spiritual disciplines,” and to form new friendships.
• Written resources: we have a library of materials available that can help you understand and follow your spiritual journey.